


Am I a Man or a Beast.

by Blackat14



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Also don't kill me for this fic, As it is sad, Because character death, Character not taking care of themselves because guilt, F/M, Five is an asshole, Heavy Angst, Temporary Character Death, who i wanted to hug while writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:42:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27258886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackat14/pseuds/Blackat14
Summary: “Allison, blood would’ve been spilled either way and if you weren’t gonna do it then I had to.”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	Am I a Man or a Beast.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jules5971](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jules5971/gifts).



> So this is for Julie who I found out listens to Hollywood Undead this afternoon and their song "I don't wanna die" and the sad-ass fiveya vibes it gives off.
> 
> I recommend listening to the song when reading this as that song inspired this work.
> 
> Warning for character death and also suicidal ideation.

Five stood behind Allison as she held the gun to Vanya’s head and he felt like a beast, _a demon playing god_ , but it was either everyone _dies_ , _he_ will die… or Vanya dies. And it was selfish as he had hoped that after the whole apocalypse mess he would be able to reconnect with Vanya.

(He had landed in a 20ish-year-old body, and while slightly annoyed that he was about 10 years younger than his siblings at least he looked like he fit in with them, it could’ve been worse, he could've come back as a prepubescent teen.)

As he watched his brothers dangle in midair, his gaze connected with Klaus, the one he felt the sorriest for as he would have to have another sibling follow him, and just when he wanted to get sober too.

He turns his attention back to Allison, and he can read in her stance that she won’t take that shot, so he falls back on his commission mindset. This isn’t his sister, it’s a _target_ and therefore must be eliminated. His hand comes up and knocks Allison out quickly, catching her body and putting in down gently before quickly before standing back up with the gun that Allison had been holding and points it at the back of Vanya’s head, and right before he pulls the trigger he whispers, knowing that Vanya would hear him.

“It’s either kill or be killed. I’m sorry V.”

There’s a loud bang and then is going to his knees, cradling Vanya as she stares up at him through eyes that are dimming. He hears his brothers distantly but pays them no mind, he’s crying because Vanya _was his, had been always_ and he had to kill her. In his peripheral, he sees Diego on her other side and tries to pry her out of his hold and he snaps, not letting her go no matter what.

“I’m the only one who gets to hold her!”

  
  


Diego nods, but five can see the anger in his eyes. He doesn’t pay attention to it though as his gaze goes back down to Vanya, Vanya who’s blood is hot and wet and sticky, a contrast to how she feels as he pushes her hair back from her face, she’s cold, and he watches as she looks at him, a single tear escaping her before her gaze is distant and he can’t do anything except touch his head to hers and _wail_ , a sound more animalistic than human escaping him, because he feels like an animal at that moment, his, _his mate, his other half_ just died and he can never scrub that fro his soul. He’s killed _so many_ for the commission and can admit that some of the kills weren’t for the commission and that he enjoyed those kills too.

This though… He _wanted_ to die too, however, he needed to repent. To live with his siblings hating him, for Allison to yell and scream and claw at him. He deserves Klaus’s far off stare as he sees someone who he no longer can. He deserves Ben’s anger, they once made up the nerd squad and now he was the only living member.

For what seems like hours he stays hunched over her as he cries. It’s only when he hears another anguished wail that he comes back to himself, and as he looks up he watches as Luther holds Allison as she sobs. When their eyes meet his commission mask in place, the pieces of his shattered soul buried deep inside him. 

He looks back down after a moment, hands going to Vanya's knees and lower back so he can carry her, (and his brain hisses at him viciously that Vanya didn’t have to die, that if she was alive he could carry her like this on their wedding night, Vanya laughing loudly at his antics. He quickly shuts that down though, knowing he will not be able to go on if he gave in to those thoughts).

Once he has her in his hold he opens a portal, going back to Vanya’s apartment as the mansion is in shambles. 

He takes her to the bathroom to clean her up, being gentle even though she’s dead and he laughs at himself in hatred that of course, he could only be gentle with people when they were no longer alive, the examples are in Ben, Delores and now Vanya. When he’s done he dries her off before wrapping her in a sheet and jumps them to a morgue, and he’s thankful no one is around as he sets her on a tray. They’ll most likely be confused but he wants Vanya to get a proper burial and this will keep her body cool enough while they arrange one for her.

When he’s done he takes a last look at her before jumping to her apartment to clean up the mess in the tub.

He doesn’t expect to see all his siblings there though. They look just as shocked as he feels and before he can shake himself of that shock it’s Diego who’s in his face, anger bleeding through his words as he addresses five.

“What the _fuck_ Five?!”

Five looks at him with a blank face, not wanting the siblings to see how _empty_ he is without Vanya, _without his sole confidant._

It’s Allison who addresses him next and he turns to face her sharply, making sure Diego is in his peripheral as he doesn’t trust him to not stab him ( _‘but you deserve it,’_ his brain informs him and he doesn't disagree) 

“Five, I was gonna knock her out! _Why did you_ _kill her?!”_

By the end of her question, Allison's voice is almost hysterical, and Five wants to give excuses but he feels like that would cheapen his actions, cheapen Vanya’s death and he can’t do that, not to his Vanya.

“Allison, blood would’ve been spilled either way and if you weren’t gonna do it then I had to.”

He hears Diego scoff and he turns his attention back to him, Allison had simply turned her back to him and he gets that he had just lost another sibling.

“You know I _should’ve_ just saved Vanya when she was with Harold in the first place, maybe then she wouldn’t be dead just because you were too scared to face that reality.”

Five’s nostrils flare in anger at that, the _audacity_ Diego has to tell Five that has Five seeing blood, however he also knows that he’s so angry at the comment because he’s _right_. Five didn’t want to die, so he had to kill Vanya, and wasn’t that a kicker? Five had always thought they had been made for each other and yet… they had been on the opposite sides at the end.

Five was hurting, however, hurting for betraying Vanya, for losing his other half, so instead of acknowledging Diego’s words with honesty he spits out harshly

“If the commission taught me anything, it’s you got to kill when you have to. If Vanya wasn’t dealt with we would all be dead and there would be no more life for anyone!”

He’s breathing harshly after that outburst and he looks at all his siblings. He watches as Allison shoots him a look before exiting the apartment, a glare from Diego before he’s following her. Klaus looks at him blankly before following after the other two and then it’s just Luther and him, and the sympathetic smile Luther sends him breaks him because Luther is the only sibling who doesn’t seem to see the pain Five is in, just that Five did what he thought best for the world and he feels even worse. Without thinking he jumps, and he’s not surprised when he realizes he’s in front of the commission building. 

He enters like he owns the building and when he reaches Carmichael's office he struts in and simply jumps out of the way of weapons sailing at him and lands in front of the desk and promptly asked him,

“I want a job here again.”

That seemed to draw Carmichaels attention. He stopped, just looking at him, and after a minute recognition dawned on his face.

“Agent Five, what are you doing here?” 

“I just said why I was here, I want a job with the commission again.”

Five’s eye twitched in irritation, honestly everyone here while they could be cunning were still goddamn morons. 

“And why should I? You destroyed part of the commission and stopped the apocalypse.”

Five couldn’t help the smirk that appeared on his face, here he had leverage and if he couldn’t live out the life he wanted he would die doing this work, though he would make it clear he had his own rules he would follow, the targets the commission gave him would be recommendations, Five would go after the people who deserved it, an atonement for the murder of the only person he had wanted in life. 

“I killed the handler for you, one shot to the head and one to the heart.” Five fibbed here, he knew Hazel had, though he had shot her again in the heart, he wasn’t taking any chances on the bitch.

He watched as Carmichael sat back in his chair, a laugh of disbelief escaping him, and Five pushed a little more.

“I can give you the address if you really don’t believe me. I can stay here under watch until it’s confirmed and you can decide what to do with me then.”

Five hated this, but this way he could work, he could work with a suitcase, he could work on his equations, he could work on _going back._

After a moment Carmichael nodded at him and Five quickly gave the address of where the handler was and then Carmichael was telling him to stay there. He watched as the fish left the office and then Five was moving. He jumped to the handler’s office and quickly went to his file, grabbing it before jumping to where the suitcases were kept, and then he went back and wrote a quick note to Carmichael.

‘ _I lied, but I do hope the handler’s dead body is a peace offering to leave me the fuck alone. I hope we never cross again, AJ Carmichael, if we do one of us is dying and I promise it won’t be me.’_

With that five stood up and jumped again, this time landing in a secluded cabin he had bought in during an assignment in Michigan. He moved in a flurry of movement, hiding the suitcase in case of emergencies, and then was going over to one of the big blank walls, a piece of chalk in hand from when passed by the bookshelf that housed his chalk.

He immediately set to work, remembering the equations that had worked for him to time travel in the first place.

He had been so absorbed in his equations that when his stomach growled he hadn’t realized it was already dark out. Going to find a clock he was a little surprised to notice that it was two in the morning. While he dreaded it, he knew taking a small break would be more productive to his equations. So he grudgingly went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee and found a can of non-perishable soup. He ate the soup out of the can, used to such habits, and grabbed a mug to fill with coffee before going back into the living room to check his equations for any mistakes. 

It was as he was looking over them that he shifted and he realized that he was still wearing his pea coat and he could feel something in his inside pocket. He set down his coffee and reached inside his inner pocket and froze as his hand brushed the object. He remembered how he had still carried around _her book,_ the book that had all his equations. 

It was with a shuddering breath that he pulled it out and it took all his composer not to just scream and break down upon looking at her photo on the back. He could never stop regretting what he did, he could go back but it would never wash the blood off his hands, it would never stop him from the anguish on Allison's face, the murderous rage on Diego's, the blank lost look on Klaus's or Luther's sympathetic smile. Worst of all he would always remember Vanya’s pale face and the way a tear had escaped, knowing subconsciously that she had been crying in _relief_ , _relief_ that she _hadn’t killed anyone,_ and wasn’t that the worst part really? That Vanya had _accepted_ her fate, that she let five do it. Although maybe that was the point, maybe she realized what she had trapped five in and assumed that he was getting revenge for it. 

That thought made him sick though, that Vanya really had changed so much that she thought Five would never forgive her. Five would always forgive her, that’s why he was doing this, he was going back so he could save Vanya and kill that bastard and knock Luther upside the head for thinking that locking Vanya up was the answer while being the _biggest fucking hypocrite_ because he did _murder_ her.

He shook all those thoughts away though, now was the time to work on his equations, fix the mistake that had de-aged him so that he didn’t go back to ~~the~~ ~~family,~~ to _Vanya_ as a goddamn ten-year-old.

He cracked the book open and sat down on the armchair in the living room, reading over all his chicken scratch, getting up once in a while to go write it down on the wall if he thought it was relevant. 

Around eleven in the morning, he decided on a break, just having something from a can and coffee. He only slept when his eyes started closing against his will and even then it would only be for an hour at most.

For almost a week this was his routine, eating whatever canned item came in sight and chugging coffee while only sleeping for an hour when his body demanded it. He was glad no alcohol was nearby as he knew that would hinder him, he would just turn into an empty shell if he turned to alcohol and he couldn’t do that. He could save Vanya and he would. 

Going into week two of going over his equations he was woken from his light slumber by his door being kicked in, and in an instant he was on his feet and behind the person, only stopping when the guy was on his back with Five’s shoe pinning his chest to the floor, and Five recognized it as Diego.

“Diego? What the hell are you doing here?” He took his foot off Diego’s chest but didn’t offer his hand to help him, knowing he was more likely to be stabbed than thanked.

He watched Diego brush himself off before turning and heading to the kitchen to make more coffee, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep for a while now that he had been awoken. 

As he was pouring himself a cup of coffee Diego spoke up, his voice the quietest he had ever heard it. 

“Someone in a blue suit stopped by, said it was a thank you of sorts, and gave us your location.”

Five snorted upon hearing that, of course, Carmichael would want to be petty about Five, though he supposed his siblings knowing where he lived wasn’t as nerve-wracking as the commission knowing, and if Carmichael did know that meant he would leave five alone know, so he took it as a win.

He leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen and watched as Diego took in his wall of equations before he noticed his brother’s body language. His shoulders were drawn back and tense and his hands were balled into fists at his side, tiny tremors going through them, and Five… felt like he deserved it, deserved the anger Diego was obviously holding back. Before he could voice anything though Diego spoke, his voice more clipped, but with an edge of anguish to it.

“Vanya’s funeral will be in three days. Thankfully the construction on the mansion is going quickly so we plan on burying her next to ben.”

And then Diego was turning and storming out of Five’s secluded house and Five was left reeling. He was… shocked, to say the least. He didn’t think that anyone would want him there for Vanya’s funeral. But he decided not to question it.

After that and into the next day he worked furiously at his equations without a rest or a break. Thankfully with him time-traveling once it was a lot easier on what he had to do this time around but he wanted to make sure everything was correct, having already fixed the mistake in equations that had dragged him the first time around.

Once he was sure of that he took a shower, two weeks of not doing so had him wrinkling his nose at himself. The hot water wasn’t working but that wasn’t an issue for five, having survived worse conditions _(‘like living without her?’_ his brain asked viciously and Five snorted in self-depreciation, responding even if it was to himself ‘I don’t think what you call me doing living.’)

After a shower and a quick shave, he changed into clothes he had stashed in the cabin and the suitcase and then jumped. He landed in Vanya’s apartment and was somewhat surprised to see Klaus there, drawing what seemed to be comic versions of all of them. 

Klaus didn’t even look up at him as he addressed him.

“You're here, good. We’re holding the funeral in a few hours.”

Five was thrown by his curt tone but knew he deserved it. Instead, he looked around the apartment and was shocked. The place was decorated compared to when he first came to Vanya, except instead of looking at how Klaus’s room looked like back at the academy it looked like how Vanya would decorate and he felt another piece of his soul shrivel up and die.

Instead of voicing that though he simply jumped away to walk around the city until the funeral. He didn’t have the confidence to face any of them, he knew he had fucked up bad, but the only person he had ever trusted with his secrets, his vulnerability was being buried in a few hours.

With that thought Five walked through the city, his gaze wandering and he used the little bit of sun that was out to check the time. He felt it was close enough he went and bought a bouquet of tulips, knowing they were _had_ been Vanya’s favorite flower. After that, he walked a little bit before jumping the rest of the way to the mansion, landing outback where Allison, Diego, and Klaus already were. Allison didn’t even acknowledge him, simply standing in front of a coffin and he hurt realizing that Allison had paid for this when he should’ve helped.

_(You could’ve not killed her, that would’ve helped everyone you fucking moron)._

Five simply ignored the angry voice, used to doing so when he was stuck in the apocalypse. Instead, he walked over to the coffin and simply stood by it as they waited for Luther. After a few minutes he came to join them, hanging back a little from them all, and Five thought it was funny had he had taken charge with their ‘fathers’ funeral but absolutely had no idea how to with Vanya’s funeral and wasn’t that just a slap in the face. Just like in life, in death, they still didn’t know how to act towards Vanya and it was that thought that had Five speaking out.

“I’m sorry Vanya. I should’ve done better by you. Growing up we always had each other’s backs…” hear he couldn’t help the teary chuckle that escaped, the memory of Vanya standing up for them had made his day back then “I remember one time you yelled at Reginald that we had names when he kept addressing the both of us as Five and Vanya. I don’t think he realized I had heard that but I had and It brightened my day to know that you would stick up for me…” He trails off, not caring that now all his siblings are looking at him. He just has to say this and then he can fix everything, when he admits everything to this Vanya who may be hanging around Klaus then he can go back and make sure she knows how much he missed her, how much he had loved her even growing up away from her in the future, how much he can’t live without her.

So he continues, he pours out the rest of his soul and hopes that it’ll appease Vanya and then he can go and get his healed by fixing this goddamn mess he had created.

“V, I am _so_ sorry. I failed you. If I had just… stayed that first night and then actually talked to you maybe we wouldn’t be here, or maybe if I had stopped you from leaving when you came to see me at the mansion, or maybe when we found that bastards shrine and realized what a goddamn psychopath he was and checked upon you, you would still be here.” And now five was crying, tears were streaming down his face because honestly, the thing that would have saved Vanya without a doubt was if he had just “stayed, if I had just stayed when I was thirteen. If I had swallowed my pride and realized there was more to time-travel than just proving to the old man that he was wrong then I could've been there for you. I could’ve helped you when we turned eighteen and moved to an apartment of our own. I could’ve helped you discover your powers and learn control, I could’ve helped you when that _creep_ harry or Howard”- Allison cut him off, telling him bitterly “his name was Harold” he glared at her before continuing his speech when she flinched back from it- “came around, because you’ve always been mine and instead of telling you that I let you go and I will never be able to apologize for that.” 

And then he just stood there silently crying as his siblings took turns speaking and then Luther was coming and putting the casket into the ground. And he still stood there as they went inside. Five stood there until the sun was going down and it started to rain. Only then did he move, going to set the bouquet atop the white gravestone Allison had gotten for Vanya, and then he turned, gathering the energy while working out the equations he would need, and as a portal started opening he began running, and then there was quiet as he disappeared. 

Vanya simply smiled sadly at where she had seen Five run through, sitting by her grave with Ben at her side. She had been following five since the night at the Icarus and had known what he had been planning when she saw him take out his copy of her book that held equations and understood how he had read her book.

She just hoped he learned how to forgive himself. She already had, after all, she could never stay mad at him.

* * *

  
  


Five landed on his feet, his eyes quickly darting around and he sighed with relief when he saw that it had worked. He was back to the day of their father’s funeral and more importantly was that _she was there and alive_! and he couldn’t stop himself from running to her, wrapping her up in a hug and ignoring everyone’s stares and Klaus's comment of “Is it just me or is that Five hugging Vanya?”

He simply breathed in Vanya, her scent easing a part of him that had been dead since the moment he had pulled the trigger. When she hesitantly wrapped her arms around his waist it felt like his soul was already starting to heal. 

He would always carry the guilt and self-hatred for what he did like a second skin, but now he could bear it, he could fix it by just being with Vanya, by dropping hints that he still wanted her, that he craved her like the finest alcohol. He had plenty of time to make everything right.

Now he just needed to go kill the _bastard_ and retrieve Reginald's journal so he could help Vanya this time around.

**Author's Note:**

> *hides*


End file.
